So much to write about, so little space. So many questions yet unanswered. Here's the first one:

How's global warming been treating you these days? I was just wondering, since yesterday my nose hairs turned to icicles as I went from the car to the Walgreen's. I cannot imagine what's in store for us when it really kicks in.

As long as we're on the subject of science, just what is a "carbon foot print" anyway? I've heard of footprints in the snow, footprints in the sand and even muddy footprints on the clean kitchen floor. (Sorry, Jill!) Apparently, a carbon footprint is "the total set of GGE (greenhouse gas emissions) caused directly by an individual, organization, event or product." Hmmm. I know some people who have some pretty hefty carbon feet prints, emission-ly speaking. But since this is a family newspaper, the discussion ends here.

Have you ever considered that a cabinet job is in your future? No, not kitchen carpentry, but actually working for the big guys in the Federal government. I have been inspired by some of the proposed new leaders of our nation into seriously considering not paying my taxes this year and going ahead with that illegal alien housekeeper deal. I figure I can just follow the lead of these guys and say it was "a simple error", or better yet, just blame it on my accountant. Of course, I'd have to have an accountant, but that shouldn't be too hard to find in today's economy. I'd better hurry, though, because it looks like the two or three next couple of tax cheats since the Treasury Secretary have had to bail out. So a good idea? Not so much.

Why is it that some men's heads seem to grow to large proportions the older they get? I've noticed on television that the "more mature" news guys and actors have really got some melons working there. Could it be the high definition resolution? No, that just makes it easier to see the obvious face work done on their female counterparts. Some of these gals look like their eyes will soon be on the sides of their heads. Then again, the guy's thing might just be the product of inevitable evolutionary change. We are after all in the information age. Maybe our brains are expanding to better store all those multiple passwords we must have.

My niece certainly noticed this about me. She came over to me the other night with a quizzical look on her darling little face.

"Tom", she said.

"Yeah, Maggie. What is it?"

"Your head looks like a circle."

Girl sure knows her shapes.

Speaking of evolution, I have a theory. My guess is that our children's children's children will develop permanent neck tilt from holding cell phones against their shoulder, thumbs that will have the dexterity of index fingers from texting, overly-large eyeballs from hours and hours on Facebook and MySpace and Twitter and YouTube, and a drastically reduced ability to actually speak to another human being!

I could be wrong, but this carbon-based life form thinks we might be in for some pretty weird looking progeny.

(Suburban Journals of St. Louis, MO February, 2009)

By: Tom Anselm
http://tomsboomertimes.blogspot.com
Tom Anselm, special education teacher and columnist for the Suburban Journals of St. Louis, has written a breakthrough first novel about a "year-in-the-life' of a veteran teacher in today's middle school. Entitled "YOU'RE NEVER TOO OLD FOR SPACECAMP", it is soon to be available at BookLocker.com. in April, 2009.

The Upset Cynics have come out into no-holds-barred attacks against Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska. They are coming out in droves! Who would'a thought it!?

Sarah Palin's folksy ways, winks, smiles, and greetings like "Hi! How're ya doin'?" are driving the Upset Cynical media people and political consultants for Barak crazy!

Help is needed fast! And I am suggesting that you form a Very Upset Cynics Club right in your neighborhood as soon as possible! By so doing, you can assure all Upset Cynics near you that they can find a place of comfort. It's the least you can do for them in these angry days before an election!

These Upset Cynics do need help. The warping of their minds and hearts threatens not only their mental health but also their ability to function. They need to get free of that Cynicism disease.

You might help free some Upset Cynics by being your friendly, smiling, folksy-person self. They won't like you at first, so be ready. Especially if you are smart and happy at the same time. If you are also a woman, well, bring in the medics.

Some years ago, my husband and I thought we would move away from the Washington DC area, where many Upset Cynics live. We thought we would move to a house on the Choptank River in eastern Maryland, east across the Chesapeake Bay Bridge.

In our search for a house, we met with a real estate agent and were on our way to a new kind of life.

One day we got to talking with our agent about the differences in life east and west of the Bay Bridge. We commented on the friendliness on the eastern side.

"Oh, we hear lots of people talking about the friendliness here," the agent said, "but you know, there are some strange reactions to our friendliness every now and then."

Our formerly Cynical Ears perked up. We said: "Tell us more, dear lady."

"Well," she continued, "There is a guy who bought a house not far from here. He came from near DC. After he moved in, he called me one day, sounding befuddled. He said that neighbors had brought cookies to his house.

"I asked him what was the problem. He said he wanted to know what the neighbors wanted from him! I told him they just wanted to be good neighbors, and that was their way of welcoming him. Poor fellow! About a year later, I was encouraged to hear that he had begun to relax and to return the friendliness of neighbors."

We understood that true story's sad meanings. We knew that the Cynics' Web had almost got us into its sticky center once.

What this story about the lovely eastern shore of Maryland USA has to do with Sarah Palin is this: The Upset Cynical Ones of the media and of many urban centers have a problem. They cannot help it that they do not understand "Howdy, neighbor," or free cookies, or a Sarah Palin wink-and-a-smile. They cannot help it, friends.

Be patient with them. Take them some cookies. They will ignore you, but at least you have made an inroad into that diseased territory of Upset Cynicism. At least, you have started a mild relief, even if they do not understand its meaning.

Keep smiling and continuing your usual gentleness. There's no guarantee that it will work; some Upset Cynics are in the terminal mode of Cynicism. However, some are capable of change. We know. We have been there. We have lived in that terrible Cynical Place.

And why not give them a DVD of a John Wayne western? The Duke, as he was called, would say things like, "Whoa, take 'er easy there, Pilgrim." He would calm the angst of hardened people.

All Sarah Palin is doing in her own, inimitable way is sayin' "Howdy," reaching out to many up-tight pilgrims. She's a natural, like Duke, for she is nice, really nice.

My husband and I did not move to the Choptank River. We decided to stay where we were. There's a lot of rampant Cynicism here, but our place is home to us. It's nice. We figure that wherever we live maybe some Cynic, longing to leave Cynicism Land, will realize they are not alone.

You see, some nice really is real. Lots of folks across mainland USA, in Hawaii and way up there in Alaska know this. If you ever really, really, doubt it, Pilgrim, just think "Palin," take a deep breath, and respond to new neighbors' smiles. You don't have to become best buddies.

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!"
From "Crosswalk," by an anonymous writer, seen in the bulletin of St. James Parish, Lothian, Maryland.

By: Jane Bullard
http://www.opinebooks.com
Jane Bullard is an American writer whose articles on marriage, family, refugees, politics, government, and writing have appeared in print and Internet publications. Highland Books LTD published her first book, "Not All Roads Lead Home" in 1996 for UK distribution. Opine Publishing LLC issued the US edition in 2004. Jane Bullard wrote the Foreword for "The Mourner's Comforter" by Charles Haddon Spurgeon, 2007. Both books are available at OpineBooks.com, Barnes & Noble online, and Amazon.com. Jane has edited many books, among them "Exhausted Rapunzel."

I took a walk through modern society today. It's been a long time and I wanted to see what is really going on in the world. After pulling my head out the comfortable sand, I headed over to Main Street USA. On the way there I was almost run over by crazy 20-something year old drivers in lowered Hondas several times, causing me to spill my $4 cup of coffee a little.

When I got to Main Street part of it was sectioned off for a gay parade. The police were arresting a man with Republican-party bumper stickers on his Hummer. He had a dead panda strapped on the roof and apparently was planning on running over everybody. The cops were beating him into submission with nightsticks, but then let him go because they were able to confirm that he had a relative in politics.

I walked a little further down the street and noticed that all the young women had their pants pulled halfway down. Then I realized that the pants were actually pulled all the way up and were supposed to look halfway pulled down as the style. About 10% of them actually looked good in this style of pants. However about 50% of them would have looked good if the pants just came up a little further, but looked fat in these style pants because the girls were maybe 5 pounds or so above being anorexic.

I turned into a general store. The isle most near the font was full of sexual enhancement products. Apparently men having sexual orgasms has become extremely important in modern society. I was a bit embarrassed to be somebody who only has one once a month or so, because by all the ads it became obvious that everybody should be having them multiple times per day.

A little further down the street several churches were just getting out at the same time. They all had members passing out pamphlets and all of them explained why members of their particular church are the only ones going to heaven. They particularly advised against being swayed in by any of the other churches on the street, who were apparently the tools of the devil.

Confused, I stopped in at a tavern. There were 26 tap handles offering different kinds of beer. I could see that 21 of them were offering different brands of the same type of fizzy yellow tasteless crap that has become the mainstream of American beer, but that still left 5 decent selections. I chose one and marveled at the times we are living in. I thought about what I had seen today a little more, and then had each of the other four good beers as well. I guess it isn't all bad.

By: Andrew Kasch
To read more rants about today's social issues, please visit http://www.stupidityinsociety.com.

"While she was addressing the crowd, Sarah Palin spent a lot of time criticizing Barack Obama’s campaign speeches for not having enough specifics. … Obama was reportedly angry about the claim, but didn’t say exactly why." --Conan O'Brien

"You know, Sarah Palin, John McCain selected her to be the vice presidential running mate on the Republican ticket, and she's also the governor of Alaska, and outdoors, like the outdoors, likes assault rifles, has a collection of rifles, likes to shoot assault rifles. I'll say this for her daughter's boyfriend: the kid's got guts." --David Letterman

"What a week this has been. If you watched last night, I guess you know, Barack Obama got beat up by a girl." --Jay Leno

"And…Bill Clinton said that when 'Hillary attacks Obama it’s wrong, but when Sarah does it, it’s somehow hot.'" --Jay Leno

"Lindsay Lohan weighed in on the Sarah Palin controversy today -- finally -- on her blog. She has a blog, and on it she urged the governor to 'focus on delivering some words and policy with stronger impact like Joe Biden.' Well, thank you drug-addicted teenage star of 'Herbie: Fully Loaded.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Joe Lieberman, who ran in 2000 as a Democrat with Al Gore, remember he was the vice presidential nominee, spoke last night at the Republican Convention. A Democrat at the Republican Convention. That's like Bill Clinton speaking at a sexual abstinence rally." --Jay Leno

"Oh, and all those Internet photos of Sarah Palin in a bikini holding a gun. But they are all photoshopped. Like those photos of Bill and Hillary dancing, all fake." --Jay Leno